Day 2 ~ Experiencing the Emotions.

Today was about allowing myself for maybe the first time ever to really sit with and in the quiet.

Sitting with the emotions will probably sound normal for most of you , but for me, for most of my life when things got tough or I spoke up others would jump in to save, save me from being hurt but it also stopped me growing and learning or worse regulating my own nervous system. Other times my emotions were invalidated, angered others or upset others so as a little girl I learnt that other peoples feelings were also my responsibility.

I know understand why now as an adult this has caused complete mental chaos as I know what I need or want but my nervous system jumps in to keep me safe causing repercussions in my body.

Layering the tissue reminded me how as a women we are expected to be delicate yet robust.

We are expected to be feminine and sexy but not soft or vunerable.

The light feminine energy and knowing came first, dancing across the canvas to meet the harsh reality of the shadow self and the often all consuming darkness and stigma of my mental health.

The sacred rage, the fire and passion meeting the exceptance of gentle and flowing inner knowing.

Today I quite literally felt like I was standing on the precipise of change or die - as I stood in the quiet chaos of my mind.

Recognizing that all to famililar need in the panic, to call a friend, to be the victim, to be rescued, to shut down, to run away and not take responsibility.

It was time to radically accept all of me. Intergrating all the parts of me Ive tried to hide or run away from. All the parts I've been ashamed of and feared sharing with the world.

Its time to start building the foundations from where I am, with what I have.

Trusting that I already have everything I need inside of me. Remembering that when I first calm my nervous system then I can use my body as my compass.